In our last post we discussed cancel culture, a phenomenon which ironically both calls bullies onto the carpet, and brings them out of the woodwork. But what qualifies as bullying, and what deserves to be regulated, called out, and called to account?
People often feel bullied whenever they feel someone is mean to them, but unfortunately “mean” is a highly subjective term. What one person may see as expressing an opinion or giving constructive criticism, another may see as hurtful or uncalled for. Even when a comment is hurtful or uncalled for, there needs to be allowance for the fact that we have all said things we regret at one point or another and, even though it’s still not right, it doesn’t necessarily make us all bullies.
According to stopbullying.gov, bullying behavior is aggressive, repetitive, and contains an imbalance of power. You can use these three components to help determine if behavior is bullying. Let’s take a closer look at each of the three criteria.
Aggressive is an important factor to consider because not all negative comments are meant to inflict harm. A negative critique can be meant to help someone improve, or to provide a helpful review; negative responses to an expressed opinion can be a part of healthy debate; and even more personal expressions such as, “I don’t like you,” can be a part of appropriate boundary setting when a person wants to end unwanted advances. Aggressive behavior (in other words: hostile, confrontational, and/or marked by obtrusive energy and self-assertiveness) does not invite conversation or allow for disagreement, but is intended to intimidate, shut down, and shame. An aggressive tone has become typical of much online interaction. This is a frustrating problem that needs to be addressed, but aggression by itself is not the same thing as bullying.
Repetition means that a singular comment, even if it’s somewhat aggressive, does not qualify as a bullying situation. While a lone hurtful comment may have to be worked through, either with the person who made the comment or alone by the person on the receiving end, repeated or relentless aggression brings the problem to a larger scale. If the threat of abusive behavior is imminent every time someone goes online, the psychological damage can in some situations become so severe as to lead to suicidal or violent thoughts or actions.
Containing an imbalance of power isn’t as cut and dried as it may seem. For instance, it’s easy to see how a rude and aggressive comment from an adult to a child is much more impactful than a rude and aggressive comment from a child to an adult. What can be difficult to understand is that power imbalances can shift. For instance, in a teacher/student scenario, the teacher clearly holds more power. But if a student is able to rally a large group of students around them to spread harmful rumors about the teacher, the balance of power has shifted.
There are many exchanges online that don’t fit the criteria of bullying, but that are still inappropriate or hurtful. While most online platforms enable their users to report inappropriate or offensive behavior, sometimes there’s not much that can be or is done when a situation doesn’t rise to the level of bullying, and all too often even after it does.
When you’re having negative interactions with someone, try to feel empowered instead of victimized, and trust in your ability to handle the situation. You can usually block or mute unfriendly users, or simply choose to bow out of a conversation with an overall hostile tone. If you’re being harassed beyond a single conversation, don’t hesitate to report it, and continue reporting it if nothing is done right away. And remember — other peoples’ words and behavior are a reflection of them, not you.
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